So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
