I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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