Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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