Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
