I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
