Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
