I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
