we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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