I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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