u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
