Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
