I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
