If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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