she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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