Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
