need another drink. this is the easiest way
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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