My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
