Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
