My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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