Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
