ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
