i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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