im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
