Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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