I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
