I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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