My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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