She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
