glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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