I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
