the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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