Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
