Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
