I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
