It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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