You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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