Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
