Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
