Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
