It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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