I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
