oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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