Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
