She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
