if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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