I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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