he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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