it's not cheating when I paid for it
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
