New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
