Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
